The Battle of Bast Castle was a conflict that ended the Third NoHead War. It took place in the early hours of 4 May,[3] 2033, within the castle and on the grounds of Bast Castle. [1]

The battle began when Sebiscuits Cardarphen ventured to the NoHeads’ most recent hideout, Bast Castle. He engaged Hell Burnbottom in a terrible duel, but the NoHead Grandmaster bested and killed him, at the cost of losing Nagatha, his snake.[1] Sebiscuits awoke on Kolob, where he quickly found Rotta Hecks striding towards him. After Hecks confirmed that Sebiscuits was dead, they discussed several things, and the latter realized he had to go back to Earth. To his surprise, God authorized this. In the meantime, the S.M.S.B. flew to Bast Castle. Despite being attacked by several skyfighters, they made it into the castle. Burnbottom presented Sebiscuits' corpse, but then Sebiscuits was resurrected. He quickly drove Burnbottom away, and the battle resumed its violent tattoo. [1]

The arrival of the Rocket army held off most of the S.M.S.B. members. However, Red X and Force Baby slipped away and successfully located the Verasect of legend. During the fight, Telekinibabe killed Whammo Fireball. In the meantime, Red X and the Lunch Money Bandit engaged in the duel after the latter nearly killed Sebiscuits. After Red X cast a well-aimed lethal death beam at the Lunch Money Bandit, the criminal turned to stone.[1]

Meanwhile, Hell Burnbottom encountered Lindsay Kellerman, and the pair of them faced off in a construction site. After Master Intelligence and Red X intervened, Burnbottom was defeated once and for all. [1]

Coupled with the destruction of the Verasect and the permanent deactivation of the Rocket army, the Battle of Bast Castle marked the permanent end of the NoHeads. The entire world looked forward to a new era of peace.[1]


In 2033, Sebiscuits was playing dodgeball with the S.M.S.B. when a vision goaded him to fight Hell Burnbottom, as only his powers would stand up to their greatest enemy. With a sword in hand, Sebiscuits ventured to the NoHeads’ most recent hideout, Bast Castle.[1]

Upon arriving, he hid in a compartment, but Burnbottom heard his footsteps and pursued. Sebiscuits heard him coming, came out of his hiding spot, and fired a beam at Burnbottom, which he blocked. Cardarphen drew his sword and advanced, but Burnbottom fired a beam that knocked him backwards and made him lose grip of his weapon. The Dark Lord then fired beams at Sebiscuits, which Sebiscuits blocked. After holding fire, Burnbottom disappeared behind Sebiscuits, and Sebiscuits barely blocked a lightning strike with his own; the two bolts met and clashed. Sebiscuits stepped back toward the ramp’s bottom, with Nagatha ready to attack. Sebiscuits threw the beams above into the ceiling causing a large explosion and the ceiling to collapse in front of Burnbottom. Sebiscuits turned to see Nagatha and slashed her. Furious, Burnbottom released a shock-wave of dark energy. Sebiscuits narrowly evaded by jumping off the ramp. Burnbottom melted his sword with a lightning bolt. Sebiscuits began to run as Burnbottom followed him. Once Burnbottom caught up, a series of vines grabbed and strangled Sebiscuits. Burnbottom blasted his struggling form with lightning to make sure he’d won.[1]

Between worlds Edit

Sebiscuits found himself laying face-down in silence, completely alone. He soon realized that he must exist, because he had a sense of touch, leading him to find out that he was lying on a surface. Soon after this conclusion, he discovered he was wearing a T-shirt instead of his life suit. He wondered whether he would be able to see as well as touch, and discovered that he could. He was in a bright mist, but rather than his surroundings being hidden by a cloudy vapor, it was the cloudy vapor that had not yet formed into surroundings. The floor on which he lay seemed white and flat, neither warm nor cold. As he sat up, he realized he had no scars anymore. At that moment, Sebiscuits noticed a table, but did not go to it for a time, though it was the only thing in the room.[1]

Looking more closely at his surroundings, Sebiscuits saw a great domed glass roof glittering high above him, and he thought perhaps he was in a palace. Turning slowly on the spot, his surroundings invented themselves before his eyes; a wide-open space, and an enormous hall. Sebiscuits was surprised when, under a table, he found a strange being. It had the form of a misty ghost, as opposed to his corporeal form, curled on the ground, shuddering under the table. Sebiscuits was confused, unsure if he wanted to approach it. At that moment, a voice told Sebiscuits that was her soul, and he turned to see an equally corporeal form of Rotta Hecks striding towards him in sweeping robes of pink.[1]

Rotta led Sebiscuits away from where the unmoving ghost lay. Sebiscuits wished the pair had somewhere to sit, and a plastic bench immediately appeared. The two sat down, and Sebiscuits looked at Rotta and saw everything he remembered about her. But, knowing Rotta was dead, Sebiscuits asked if he was dead as well. Rotta confirmed he was. Sebiscuits then asked Rotta where they were. Rotta asked Sebiscuits the same question, to which Sebiscuits guessed that they were in heaven. Rotta chuckled at this suggestion, but told him he was right—they were at the Gates of Heaven, but not directly in the spirit world. Sebiscuits then brought up the subject of the metal tube, which wiped the smile from Rotta’s face. Rotta asked Sebiscuits to forgive her for joining the NoHeads, and expressed her fear that if Burnbottom really did have the Verasect, the S.M.S.B. members wouldn’t stand a chance. Rotta said that Sebiscuits was always better than her, and with tears in her eyes she says that the dark side is a glutton’s safehaven and a lure for fools, and that Rotta was one such fool. Rotta told Sebiscuits that as such, she was not better, ultimately, than Mr. Stupid NoHead, to which Sebiscuits protested, saying that Rotta joined the NoHeads with no other options, that she had not done anything wrong that Sebiscuits himself had not done, and that he had joined them for glory and revenge.[1]

Cardarphen and Hecks sat without talking for the longest time yet. The realization of what would happen next gradually settled on Sebiscuits, and he told Rotta that he had to go back. Rotta responded that she herself could not grant this to Sebiscuits, but God could. She also said that if Sebiscuits chose to return there was a strong chance that Hell Burnbottom would be finished for good. She said she could not promise this, but Sebiscuits had little to fear from returning to Earth. Cardarphen glanced at Rotta’s ghost again, then turned back to Rotta’s corporeal form. She told Sebiscuits that by returning, Cardarphen could ensure that fewer souls were injured and fewer families torn apart, as Sebiscuits had a strong possibility of being able to defeat Burnbottom once and for all and save many people afterwards.[1]

Rotta said that if that seemed like a worthy goal, they would part for the time being. Sebiscuits nodded and sighed, knowing that leaving this place would not be as difficult as facing Hell Burnbottom unarmed, but it was warm and light and peaceful and he knew that he would be going back to pain and the fear of more loss. Sebiscuits stood up, as did Rotta, and they looked at each other. Rotta smiled, and as the bright mist was descending again, obscuring her figure, she wished him luck, and reminded him that he might not be allowed to return from the dead.[1]

Sebiscuits proceeded into the Gates of Heaven, where he asked to speak with God. The angels allowed him to proceed. He requested he could go back to Earth, as the S.M.S.B. still needed him there. To his surprise, God said yes. He was then transported back to Earth for a trip that lasted several minutes.[1]

Proceeding to battleEdit

After the battle, Cygnus Evans, code-name the Lunch Money Bandit, entered the room, and softly addressed Hell Burnbottom, asking if he was hurt. As he had seen, the shock wave from Burnbottom’s lightning had thrown the latter to the ground. Cygnus addressed Burnbottom again, but he cut him off and repelled him away. Whammo Fireball arrived just then, but then backed away from the same spot. Burnbottom then got to his feet with Evans hurrying away from him. Whammo attempted to help him as well, but Burnbottom declined his offer of assistance coldly, and asked if Sebiscuits was dead. He then ordered the Lunch Money Bandit to examine Sebiscuits and then tell him whether the boy was dead.[1]

Hell Burnbottom was wary of approaching Sebiscuits; Burnbottom suspected not everything had gone according to plan. Bending over, the Lunch Money Bandit touched his face, pulled back an eyelid, creeped under his vocabulator, and felt his heart. Feeling no signs of life, Cygnus stood up and announced to his friends that the boy was indeed dead. Hell Burnbottom then announced that they would go to the front of the castle to display the oncoming S.M.S.B. members what had become of Sebiscuits. Whammo volunteered to carry Sebiscuits’ body, and Burnbottom agreed. All three of them proceeded. However, Burnbottom decided to abandon them in order to go and confront the S.M.S.B., Apparating away and leaving Whammo and Cygnus to finish the trip. The victorious procession continued to march on toward the open ground. When they reached the edge of the castle, Whammo stopped, prompting the Lunch Money Bandit to do likewise. A chill began to settle over them.[1]

Sky battleEdit

Master Intelligence sensed Sebiscuits’ past peril and rallied the other members to join him in saving Sebiscuits. Immediately after taking off, they were attacked by robotic fighters, as well as Hell Burnbottom himself.[1]

Pursuit of Red X and Master IntelligenceEdit

Master Intelligence and Red X were pursued by several fighters, one of whom Red X destroyed with an unexpected display of powers she didn’t know she possessed. She also projected a shield and turned a bullet into a laser to redirect by the same means. Master Intelligence used the skyfighter’s rocket fire to knock one fighter off course and Red X extended her sudden powers as far as possible. At one point, Red X disengaged from the fighter and moved out to Intelligence’s side. At one point, they moved into a factory processing tunnel, dodging machinery as they continued to evade the fighters. When they moved out, Red X reflected a bullet at one of the fighters, destroying it.[1]

Master Intelligence and Red X were then pursued by Hell Burnbottom himself, who, like Red X, was able to fly without support. He attempted to engage Intelligence first, but the hero used his rockets to blast away and currently burn his enemy. Quickly recovering from this, Burnbottom pursued Red X. Red X, recognizing Burnbottom from a wanted poster, sent a bolt of lightning at him, now more comfortable with her new powers. Their bolts locked together, and after a considerable period Red X defeated the medium metal tube Burnbottom had brought along. Before Burnbottom could attack her again with his own lightning, Red X and Baby Strength regrouped with the others and flew into the entrance of Bast Castle. At that moment, Burnbottom Apparated inside.[1]

Other chases Edit

In the meantime, Lindsay Kellerman and Force Baby fought side-by-side, taking out twelve of the thirty robotic fighters together. Telekinibabe had flown through a series of crowbars to knock several fighters off course. Baby Strength fired a missile at a fighter, which blew up its wing and made it spiral to a fiery end. However, he remembered the mission and broke for Bast Castle. However, he was delayed and could not regroup with Master Intelligence for a time.[1]

When Hell Burnbottom Apparated into the battle, he first pursued Force Baby, believing he would be too powerful to deal with once everyone landed. However, Force Baby fired a missile, which Burnbottom narrowly dodged, though it set fire to the end of his cloak. After using his powers to put out the flames, Burnbottom evaded a volley of gunfire, but realized he could not find an opening. He deserted the latter, and Force Baby did not follow. Burnbottom then pursued Lindsay Kellerman, who had just broke off from Force Baby. Burnbottom broke off pursuit when he saw Red X and Master Intelligence teaming up nearby.[1]

Finally, all the members regrouped near the castle. After taking down the outer defenses, they all landed together, Red X included. When they arrived, Burnbottom greeted them and revealed Sebiscuits’ corpse.[1]

The battleEdit

Announcing Sebiscuits' deathEdit

Hell Burnbottom strode forward and confronted the newly arrived S.M.S.B. members. He was proceeded by Cygnus Evans and Whammo Fireball carrying Sebiscuits’ dead body. Burnbottom announced that Sebiscuits was dead and that he was killed as he ran away. He told the S.M.S.B. members that his army outnumbered them and Sebiscuits was finished, as well as Paige. Calling for no more war, Burnbottom threatened that anyone who continued to resist would be killed, but that those who came out and knelt before him would be spared. Red X screamed in terror, and Cygnus laughed, glorying in the girl’s despair. Although silent, Master Intelligence was just was dismayed. The open doorway was filling with Rocket soldiers, which Hell Burnbottom silently signaled to back away.[1]

At that moment, Sebiscuits’ soul finished its descent from Heaven’s gates and Sebiscuits jumped from Whammo’s arms as Hell Burnbottom looked on with a surprised and bewildered look. Sebiscuits’ body revived, no longer in need of a life suit to survive, and wearing his old suit he wore before joining the NoHeads in 2019. As this happened, demonstrations of shock or joy were immediately stifled, for fear. Sebiscuits immediately stood up and fired a jet of fire at Burnbottom, but the latter blocked it. Sebiscuits proceeded to fire a barrage of beams, but Burnbottom deflected them all, in turn putting up a good defense despite his surprise. At this point, Master Intelligence used his telekinesis to divert a torch off its bracket to attack Burnbottom. Lindsay and Red X then proceeded to draw their swords. Seeing this, Burnbottom realized he was greatly outnumbered. He sent the torch flying back at his attackers, and it smashed into the wall and shattered. He then rushed for a window and jumped through it, flying away in the form of a jet black stream of smoke. He took off for his private quarters in the castle.[1]

Meanwhile, Master Intelligence and Lindsay Kellerman attempted to engage Whammo. However, Whammo used his telekinetic gadget to tie them, along with the other members. However, Lindsay was able to make their cords disappear.[1]

Duel between Cynthia Thomas and Cygnus EvansEdit

Red X: "Stay away from him, you asshole!"
Cygnus: "Ooh, look who got fresh! A little airborne twerp come to save Sebisucits!"
Red X: "YOU — WILL — never — harm — SEBISCUITS — AGAIN!"
— Cygnus and Cynthia's opening words[src]

After the Battle of Bast Castle resumed, the arrival of the Rocket army held off most of the S.M.S.B. members. However, Red X and Force Baby slipped away from the chaos, hoping to locate the Verasect of legend.[1]

Forty yards[1] away from Whammo Fireball, who was dueling Telekinibabe, the Lunch Money Bandit battled against Sebiscuits. During the duel, Cygnus imprisoned Sebiscuits in a heated cage in an attempt to kill him. Red X witnessed it and, enraged at the NoHead, ran towards her as Cygnus roared with laughter at the sight of his new challenger.

Red X started the duel with a quick swipe of her hand. The Lunch Money Bandit, however, did not take Red X seriously in the least, having started dueling with a taunting expression on his face. As Red X fired more beams, her hand slashing and twisting with anger, Cygnus’ smile faltered and became a snarl, the floor around the two duelists’ feet becoming hot and cracked with the intensity of their beams.[3]

Cygnus then started taunting Red X, and gave an exhilarated laugh as his opponent cast the fatal blow that struck the Lunch Money Bandit squarely in the chest, directly over his heart. Cygnus’ gloating smile froze, and he turned to stone. With that, his lifeless body toppled to the ground. Red X immediately freed Sebiscuits and went to find Force Baby.[1]

Duel between Whammo Fireball and TelekinibabeEdit

Upon arriving in the room he had slammed Telekinibabe into, Whammo lifted his enemy up. He then threw Tyler into a stone pillar and proceeded to punch Telekinibabe and kick him. As Telekinibabe attempted to regain his footing, Whammo strangled him with his sword-free hand and threw him to the floor. He hardly punched him again. Telekinibabe encouraged Whammo to feel some remorse for his actions. Whammo pushed Telekinibabe back with a gadget he had in tow. Pushed to the edge, Whammo advanced, telling Telekinibabe he meant to kill and finish what he started in 2020. However, Telekinibabe pushed him back, drew his sword, and said: “Not today!”[1]

Tyler used the lunge as a fulcrum for a vicious attack. He unleashed a flurry of attacks and rapidly gained ground on Whammo, driving him backward. Whammo attempted to rally, working his way around Telekinibabe before pulling him into a bladelock. Telekinibabe broke the contact and, with a powerful thrust of his sword, hurled Whammo to the brink. Whammo lost his balance and fell backward, and, even if he had survived falling 20 feet, he surely would have died from the molten rock he landed in.[1]

Final duelEdit

Hell Burnbottom-0

Hell Burnbottom, locked in combat with Lindsay Kellerman.

After his rematch with Sebiscuits, Hell Burnbottom took off for his private quarters in the castle, and began to meditate there, not even fighting at first. However, he later left to rejoin the fight. By the time he did, Red X had defeated the Lunch Money Bandit, Tyler was still dueling Whammo, and the others had gotten free and were cutting down his army at a moderate pace.[1]

Hell Burnbottom found Lindsay on his way to the front. Lindsay tried to reason with him, telling him that he would never succeed due to the bad choices he had made. However, Burnbottom wouldn’t listen, claiming that Lindsay’s only example was someone he had already overpowered. Lindsay replied that while evil could cause a minor setback, it could never win in the end. Lindsay then grabbed Burnbottom, pulling him off the ledge connected to the spacious window of the castle, knowing he would guide them to a safe landing to save himself. Burnbottom blanketed them in a giant cloud streaking through the sky and attempted to pull Lindsay off him. After descending through the city and screaming, Lindsay’s prediction came true and Burnbottom dropped safely at a construction site, bringing Lindsay with him.[1]

They began to duel with swords. Lindsay fended off Hell Burnbottom’s blows with her own mastery of Form III. Burnbottom replied with Vaapad strikes, easily keeping Lindsay at a distance. Just as the first rays of sun rose over the half-finished house behind them, Lindsay backed away and disarmed Burnbottom with a beam from her free hand. Both cast their lightning streams in an almost simultaneous yell. The two bolts collided with a bang like a cannon blast. Lindsay ultimately lost her concentration when she saw Master Intelligence up above, who had escaped Whammo’s bonds. Finally the bolts rebounded and struck Lindsay, however, she managed to get up and continue the fight.[1]

Master Intelligence telekinesis

Master Intelligence summoning raw sewage with his mutantry.

Master Intelligence drew the filthy waters of the nearby gutter so that it erupted and flowed out surrounding and encasing Hell Burnbottom inside a sphere of water in an attempt to drown him and finish the duel. Intelligence maintained the shape of the complex water sphere by continually sculpting and spinning it. Lindsay got too close to the duel, distracting Intelligence briefly whilst attempting to maintain his sphere and breaking his concentration, this combined with Burnbottom slashing through the water caused the sphere to collapse, allowing Burnbottom to escape from his watery prison. Burnbottom then cast a large, continuous torrent of darkness towards Lindsay, but Master Intelligence held it back with his telekinesis. In a second attack, Burnbottom gathered the black energy into a ball of incandescent light, which he released with roar, sending the energy in all directions; this explosion of Dark energy knocked over both S.M.S.B. members and caused all the buildings in the construction site to shatter effectively.[1]

The thousands of tiny shards of glass and cement started to rain down upon Hell Burnbottom, and with a flick of his hand he telekinetically diverted their path, causing them to home in on Master Intelligence and Lindsay midway through their descent. However, Red X showed up and projected a giant shield which absorbed the shards effortlessly. Then she went back to find the large metal tube in the castle. Burnbottom saw his chance and conjured a small whirlwind, making it look like he had disappeared. Then he possessed and tortured Lindsay from behind, hoping Master Intelligence would sacrifice the teenager in order to kill Burnbottom. Lindsay immediately fell to the ground and writhed in agony. Lindsay was immediately reminded of all her worst memories.[1]

Eventually Hell Burnbottom moved in and stepped over Lindsay. Hoping to find out what Burnbottom was doing, Master Intelligence let him pass but kept his gaze on him. Burnbottom advanced on Lindsay, but then Red X showed up with her target item and hit Burnbottom with a giant beam from the metal tube. Burnbottom screamed as his body began to deteriorate into ashes, then Red X fired another beam that blasted him to shreds.[1]


With Hell Burnbottom gone, Lindsay was safe. She asked Red X what she could do to repay her. Red X only asked Lindsay to tell her why she had acted like a jerk. Lindsay told her and apologized, and Red X forgave her. Then she brought Lindsay and Master Intelligence their skyfighters so they could join the other members. Once she did, they took off to the castle, where they discovered that Whammo Fireball was dead as well.[1]

After the following exams, Red X left with her parents for the second time. This time Lindsay accepted it and even wished her luck. As the flying bus lifted into the sky, Lindsay and Master Intelligence went back inside the MBH.[1]

The Battle of Bast Castle marked the permanent end of the NoHeads. With the NoHeads gone, the entire world looked forward to a new era of peace.[1]


  • Death of Hell Burnbottom
  • Deaths of Whanmo Fireball and the Lunch Money Bandit
  • Temporary death of Nagatha
  • Permanent deactivation of the Rocket army
  • End of the Third NoHead War


Notes and references Edit